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Wait, when is it OK to leave the house? | Off the Record - Chico Enterprise-Record

There’s sooo much COVID-19 information, misinformation, new information and guidelines coming at us every day that it’s really starting to get exhausting, not to mention confusing, trying to keep up with it all so, I have compiled all the instructions regarding COVID-19 shoulds and shouldn’ts here for easy and clear reference.

First off there’s the “don’t leave the house” guideline. Just stay home. Unless, you have to leave the house then, it’s OK to leave the house but, really, you shouldn’t leave the house at all except, maybe, if the house is on fire in which case call 911 before leaving the house with a mask on. You can wear other clothing too.

At-home-lockdown is the only way to not get infected and stop the infection from spreading but we need to develop herd immunity so we should all probably get infected except you absolutely need to stay home, not go out and not get infected. Unless, of course, you are an essential worker in which case you should stay home except when you can’t stay home because you have to go to work then it’s OK for you to leave the house.

You should keep your pets inside unless they have to go out in which case you should let them go out because animals are not effected by the virus except for the cat that tested positive in Belgium in February, the two New York cats that tested positive earlier this week and a couple of tigers about a month ago.

The elderly, immunocompromised or those with underlying health issues are most at risk for contracting the virus. So if you are a child, and adult under the age of 60 or in good health you are less likely to get the virus unless you do and then, well, you may have it but don’t go to a doctor or hospital unless you are very sick and call for an appointment first unless you are too sick to make a call or go the hospital then you should stay home which is what you should be doing anyway.

It’s also really important for your mental health to go outside while you are staying at home inside. If you have been sick, it’s OK to go outside when you’re better but the people who live with you should not go out for 14 days after you have exposed them to coronavirus which was probably seven days before, or 10 days or maybe even 14 days or a month before they showed symptoms but really you should just stay home unless, of course, you can’t stay home and then you should go out, especially outside because it’s good for your mental health.

It’s also important to exercise when you are staying at home but do not go outside to exercise unless you need to go outside to exercise for your mental health then you should go outside but not to a park or where there will be other people who are also outside for exercise and mental health unless you practice social distancing which means staying 6-feet or 10-feet apart while wearing a mask but mostly means staying at home and not going out unless you have to.

Schools are closed so parents you need to home school your children unless you are an essential worker and have to go to work so you are not at home and cannot home school your children or, if you are not an essential worker, and you are working from home but have poor or no internet or only one computer in which case you still need to home school your children but it’s totally OK to pour yourself a stiff one when you pour juice for the kids’ mid-morning snack because you are staying home like you’re supposed to be and not driving.

If you have been laid off from your job, stay home unless you need a job in which case you can go look for a job and, if you get one, you can go to work but really you should just stay home and drink – with or without the kids.

The coronavirus stays active on surfaces for two hours or four hours or eight hours or days. OK, sometimes hours, sometimes days like one day or two days or more days unless the environment around those surfaces is damp and cold or warm and dry or damp and warm or cold and dry then the active virus will die on any surface except porous surfaces or nonporous surfaces.

All business except essential businesses are closed or should be closed unless they need to be open in which case they are open but most of them probably shouldn’t be and you shouldn’t go to those businesses because you are supposed to be staying at home unless you have to go to those businesses in which case it’s OK to go to those businesses.

And if you do go out to those businesses you should wear a mask that is useless at protecting you from contracting the virus but can save lives because you may have the virus, not know it and could give it to others if you are not wearing a mask when you go out when you should be staying at home.

Stock up on basic supplies but don’t horde unless you of course you need to because you are going to stay home and not go out again for a week or two or a month or ever again because we are all under stay at home orders for the foreseeable future. And, when you are stocking up on bleach and disinfectant products (if you can find them) remember these products should be used according to the instructions on the label for household sanitation and cleaning and not, for the love of God, no matter what you hear or who you hear it from, be administered into the human body via injection, ingestion or any other route unless you want to go to the emergency because you need to get out of the house … permanently.

Got all that? Clear as mud? Excellent!

Honestly the best piece of COVID-19 advice I’ve received came, not from The White House, CDC or WHO but, from my BFF and fellow Paul Simon fan, Manhattan Jake, who texted me: “Hey babe, if you’re hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard, steer clear of Rosie. She’s the Queen of Corona.”

Now that’s a clear instruction. You’re welcome.

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Wait, when is it OK to leave the house? | Off the Record - Chico Enterprise-Record
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